come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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