marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
