like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
