The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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