I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
