It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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