You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
