It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
