oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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