You're my little dorito
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
