Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
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He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
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You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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