Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
