Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
