News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I touched a dick in church today
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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