just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
