And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Randomize