OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
