Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
