A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
