I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
