My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
