I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
