also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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