My hand turned me down
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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