plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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