He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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