Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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