one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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