I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
