I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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