Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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