Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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