I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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