I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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