If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
