it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
