1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
