We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
