My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
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i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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