There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
