first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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