I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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