i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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