I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
