i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
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Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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