So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
