the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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