Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
