we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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