It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
