Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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