He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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