I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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