hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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