I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
