Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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