well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Enjoy the penises
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize