Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
